Five years. That’s how long it took me to face my demons. FIVE. YEARS. I did it silently as long as I could, then it spilled over into everything I loved.
She lifts her skirt up to her knees, walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing…..Empty, Ray Lamontagne
When I was a little girl, that was the life I longed for. Truth be told it still is. Carefree, free spirit, laughing, always laughing. But that wasn’t the life God had planned for me, or maybe it was, but it would take time and lessons learned to get there.
There’s a lot of things I don’t understand, like why so many people lie….Empty, Ray Lamontagne
I never wanted to write about that here, not really, until I read this piece by Southern Belle on Caffeine and realized I had told myself the same thing she did….if I was going to do this I was going to be honest, and honest wasn’t always unicorns and rainbows. Sometimes honest is pain and tears and facing demons. Her honesty shook me. It made me stop and think, and I mean stop DEAD and REALLY think…a lot.
Will I always feel this way? So empty, so estranged…..Empty, Ray Lamontagne
We all have pain. I know I’m not alone in that. I’m not alone in any of it really. If you read my Dieting = Hell post, you know I mentioned body image issues and molestation issues in my past. I had pushed all of that stuff so far down that I honestly didn’t even think about it, until I did. And it was hard, so I would push it down some more. Hard is not my favorite. I much prefer unicorns and rainbows. I was ok. I was FINE. Who wants to deal with feeling inadequate and not being good enough and all the other toxic things that come from those situations when you can just go on being FINE?
And then my papaw died. And suddenly I wasn’t ok or fine at all.
My papaw was the best man I have ever known. He was my “man compass” if you will. Everyone got compared to him and the way he loved my mamaw. I didn’t even realize what a commanding force he had been in my life until he got sick and I knew what was coming. But the day he actually died, I couldn’t breathe. We were all right there around his bed, just like he had always said he wanted, and he hung on….until mamaw told him it was ok to go, that we would all see him soon. And just like that, he was gone, and I slipped down the rabbit hole.
See I’ve been to hell and back so many times I must admit you kinda bore me….Empty, Ray Lamontagne
I went on this self destructive rampage in little tiny segments for five years. It was a roller coaster I couldn’t get off of. I was gonna make damn sure that my husband loved me like Lee loved Anna Lois. He was going to have to prove it, because I wasn’t worthy of that and I was going to be a complete bitch and give him every reason to walk away and leave me. When that didn’t work I would drink too much, blame him for it all, and anything else I could think of to push him away. You must understand, until this point we had no problems. We honestly didn’t. We lived quite a charmed life. This could have ruined us. I could have ruined us. But through all the mess he never left me. To my amazement he NEVER left.
I looked my demons in the eyes, laid bare my chest and said “do your best to destroy me”…..Empty, Ray Lamontagne
It wasn’t just my husband, my kids saw it, my friends, my family. I left no stone unturned in the unraveling of Kristen. It was bad. And just like that, it was over. It was over. I can feel that. It’s over. I’ve always been that way. Things in my life last for a season, I don’t know how to explain it, but when I’m done with it I’m done. Therapy helped, along with faith, amazing friends, and the endless amount of love my husband showed me during all of the mess. Somehow he instinctively has ALWAYS known me better than I know myself. It used to make me so mad. Now I find it comforting. He told me very early on that he had already climbed every wall to get to me and he was just gonna wait until I realized he was already in. He was so right. He’s truly my greatest blessing.
I commented on the blog post I mentioned earlier that I had trouble writing about my pain, that I focused on the good, and that is true. I also commented that her honesty made me think maybe I should explore the dark parts, but when I really thought about it I realized that I had already done that, I’m not sure I even realized it until that moment. I had faced my demons, and I had won. I’m not stupid enough to think that thoughts will never creep back in, the devil is great at that, but even then I know where to turn and how to handle it. Thank you Ray Lamontagne for singing me through it and thank you Jesus for my husband, and the lesson.